From Chaos Comes Clarity

Sometimes writing a daily blog post to attain a personal goal proves less than riveting. It seems that patiently living life itself, visiting with friends, and taking in the world around me inspires the best fodder.

Uncertainty. Even the word itself elicits fear, anxiety, anger, frustration and a slew of other unpleasant feelings. When faced with an ambiguous future, we all have different reactions. Some of us run to escape the dilemma, make a knee-jerk reaction, melt down entirely, drown it out with external noise, work feverishly at finding a solution, or just sit stuck, hoping that an answer will reveal itself. Sometimes there isn’t an answer. Sometimes the situation is entirely out of our control, and that is enough to drive a person to insanity. It happens.

Perhaps your dilemma involves work, and unfulfillment at your job, struggle to find employment to make ends meet, or a company going downhill causes your career and future to be at stake. Maybe the health of yourself or a loved one has caused utter calamity, and the root of the mystery illness can’t be found, or worse, it has been confirmed, and you are flailing at the thought of dealing with daily worry about the how, what, and when surrounding the eventual demise. Maybe you have always wanted to be a mom, and news that you can’t have children has wounded you to the core, or maybe your parts are working, but your chances of meeting the right person seem increasingly bleak, or perhaps you recently discovered you were pregnant and you are nowhere near ready to tackle what’s to come. You might be a student about to graduate,  yet you have no idea which direction to go, what city to live in, and the numerous combinations and permutations are daunting. Or, possibly, the unknown lies deep within your relationship, and you feel that it has reached a hurdle so high, that you are terrified it’s insurmountable.

These situations are all beyond frightening. How do we wake up each day, fasten our smiles on our faces, and continue? Obviously, we don’t have the luxury of pressing the pause button, rewinding, and reevaluating. In theory, that would be fabulous, but that didn’t work out so well for Adam Sandler in Click, anyway. Sitting and worrying about it will just give us an ulcer, migraine, or some additional problem to exacerbate the situation. Yelling at everyone alienates the chosen few who love you, and again initiates a snowball effect. So, what is one to do? 

Each of us has different coping mechanisms. I’ve taken the time to do a little research, and stumbled upon some great ideas worth trying. From embracing the chaos to distracting ourselves in healthy ways, these cover the gamut. This article from Real Simple has a few very practical suggestions to handle the initial panic. This helpful blog outlines all angles and suggests various directions, for those who are too caught up in the midst to think straight. Lastly, here are 10 great ways to embrace the uncertainty from a positive standpoint. 

I’ll leave you with a quote that struck me yesterday. I was out running materials out to one of my printers, and saw this above his workstation. It turns out that he inspired his team with this saying in the midst of a seemingly impossible project. Granted, it applies more to solution-based problems rather than those out of our control, but I found it quite fitting to share with my blog audience:

Perhaps clarity comes from working within our limitations to create a new perspective…

 

What do you do when you just can’t get yourself to feel happy? Maybe you suffer from bouts of anxiety or depression, chronic pain or illness, or you feel completely alone, lost, misunderstood, unloved, unfulfilled, taken for granted, or entirely forgotten. Those are some of the worst feelings in the world, and sadly, very real to many of us.

Do you come home to an empty house and do everything within your power to avoid it? Or, do you come home to one full of chaos and you feel like life is happening around you, but you aren’t truly participating in it? Maybe people try to connect with you, but they can’t quite figure out how, because you can’t quite figure out yourself. Or, maybe you spend all your time taking care of everyone else around you, but feel like there is no time for you or no one left to take care of you.

Searching for happiness outside ourselves often leads to this trap of discontentment.  It’s easy to do from time to time, but when it becomes our full-time job, it’s time to seek elsewhere.  When we look to others to bring us up, we sometimes fail to notice that they might also be going through a storm of their own. Or, maybe they’re too busy with their new baby, new boyfriend or girlfriend, buying a home, relocating across the country, starting a new job, or any number of life occurrences that bring the sparkle to the timeline. Perhaps the darkness is illuminated most when everyone else is self-absorbed and can’t take the time to pay attention to you. Stay with me here…what if it’s because it’s you who needs to take care of you? (Don’t worry, I’m also talking to myself here.)

First, no matter what is causing these feelings, the worst thing anyone can possibly hear is “Get over it!” Easier said than done, right? I know that when I’m deep into an embarrassing panic attack caused by some inexplicable force of claustrophobic traffic jam or overcrowded room and I’m having trouble breathing or swallowing that someone telling me to stop it is definitely not going bring the madness to a screeching halt and magically teleport me back to normalcy. Thank you! You fixed me! I’m 100% better so don’t worry about me making you look bad or anything. Carry on! Sheesh. (Note: If you have been guilty of attempting this instafix, please see my last blog post and learn quickly how to develop compassion immediately.) If you don’t know what to do or say, try asking. If that doesn’t work, try holding someone’s hand, giving them a hug, sitting quietly with them, putting your head on their shoulder, taking a walk with them, making them laugh to take their mind off it, or just empathetically loving them, for starters. If you’re alone, and you’re the one blindly traipsing through the darkness, try some of these things or call a friend. For me, going for a walk in the fresh air usually helps solve most things temporarily, but everyone has their secret potion for times of desperation. End rant.

Second, look within yourself for a few minutes. Finding acceptance and happiness outside of ourselves often causes temporary memory lapse and we forget who we really are and what makes us uniquely awesome. While this transitory high can make us feel on top of the world for a time, the lows when we come crashing down are even lower than before, because we’re left with the original hum drum feeling that caused us to seek the high, yet still no solution. Living for the highs to escape the hum drums can also cause selective amnesia toward all the great things about our everyday lives because we sometimes get sucked into wanting what we don’t have or being someone else without realizing it. It’s highly plausible that the solution we’ve been searching for lies within the gratitude for the highs, the lows and the hum drums, and everything we’ve been fortunate to experience in between.

Ok, now dig deep and make a list of ten great things about yourself. No skimping. Then, write down five things you are grateful for in the life you lead right now. Go ahead…I’ll wait….Now take that list and save it to your notepad on your phone, stick it to a mirror, tuck it in your wallet or purse, wherever you like…just keep it handy for times like these to remind yourself of why the world is lucky to have you on this earth, and why you, my friend, are blessed in the very life you have.

Next, I want to tell you a little story…
There was a time in my early twenties when I suffered from chronic illness, and doctors couldn’t seem to fix me. It made me have very real panic attacks, anxiety, horrible moments of fear and worry, and basically caused me to give up on having a normal life. One day, on the phone with my mom, she gave me some helpful advice. She said to step outside of my pain and try to see someone else’s. If I shifted my focus to helping others, it took my mind off my own problems. You know what? It worked. I helped the teenagers in my small group, I checked in with friends and co-workers, and suddenly I found myself capable of moving forward and climbing out of the hole I had dug for myself. You see, even though my problems were very tangible, my mind made them ten times worse.

It’s easy to give in to the pity party. It feels hopeless and miserable and takes less work to surrender to those bleak feelings rather than shedding our self-absorbed blues blinders. Doing the work necessary to become the best version of yourself is tedious, time consuming, yet totally stacked with long-term rewards. So go for the gold. After all, you’re worth it!

Please note that I fully recognize that some of these feelings stem from very serious illness and I do not by any means underestimate the extent of those uncontrollable feelings, nor think there is an easy solution. In these cases, professional assistance is highly beneficial as well.

Walk a Mile in Your Shoes: Compassion

You’ve probably heard of the recent walks by men in high heels to stop gender violence. As hilarious (and surely painful) as it is, as a woman, it’s inspiring to see a bunch of hairy legs prancing about in heels in order to take a stand for such a worthy cause. Sure, the photos convey hilarity, but they also speak volumes about courageous compassion.

Webster defines compassion as the sympathetic consciousness of others’ distress together with a desire to alleviate it.

Compassion can help us with our approach. In yesterday’s post, I talked about overcoming those seemingly small idiosyncrasies, which could unwittingly seriously sever once-solid connections between two people. If we fueled our desire to change with compassion, maybe it would be the driving force we need to accomplish our goals.

Compassion is ditching our own selfish agenda and taking a step back to see another person’s true self–their character, their good qualities, and then walking in their shoes & experiencing their pain, fears, emotional  or physical state even if we are tired or angry, or don’t feel love or patience in that given moment. It’s sometimes uncomfortable, unnatural, yet uncanny how wonderful it makes us, as well as the other person feel.

My husband and I recently received yet another disheartening e-mail from our eleven year old’s teacher. She has this remarkable way of sternly holding him accountable, while also enticing him to achieve by dangling the lure of reward before him. So far, she’s done wonders with him, and has successfully inspired him to improve his grades and work on his classroom behavior. Despite having to tell us some more bad news about his disrespectful day, she said such lovely things, like “I just want everyone to see him like I do- a fun, hard working, clever kiddo.” that really made us back up in our frustrated tracks. That statement was the reminder we needed to treat him with compassion rather than fight back the urge to strangle him! Compassion is sometimes remembering that the other person probably already knows they messed up and feels bad about it.

Compassion is…

• Softly stroking  her head when she wakes up screaming out in terror from a nightmare even though you’re exhausted from insomnia.
• Understanding his need to unwind after a twelve hour at the office and taking out the trash and making dinner yourself.
• Turning the music down so she can rest her weary head while you stay up late talking with your buddy.
• Stopping your 90MPH checklist at work to care for a crying co-worker.
• Commiserating together over an unfair situation at school without trying to fix it.
• Assisting in the cleanup of a broken wine glass because she’s barefoot
• Occasionally letting them be lazy under heaps of covers just because you love them
• Sensing his defeat after a miserable little league pitching outing and taking him out for ice cream rather than noting what he did wrong

What if we approached our daily lives with compassion? What difference would it make in our relationships?

It’s #FlippingFebruary, folks. Let’s show a little love with compassion and see what happens…

Mirror, Mirror: Breaking Bad Habits

So, we have tackled the treacherous topic of forgiving ourselves.  Great. Now what? Surely loving ourselves after messing up is more complex than that. What if we hurt someone else in the process? How do we make amends? How do we keep from playing out our actions over and over on repeat? What if we know we hurt someone, but we aren’t sure how, why, or what to do about it? What if we don’t even agree with their accusation or realize we’re doing it?

During my first month of introspection which led to this blog, I discovered a ridiculously insightful book. The name is almost misleading, because the message translates across all relationships–not just couples. It’s about learning how to become the best version of ourselves. The premise is based on the fear/shame dynamic. For example: John gets angry about something Mary did and yells––>causing Mary to react in fear and become defensive and stop listening to John––>which causes John to feel shamed and unappreciated––>which causes him to get angry and withdraw from Mary. You get the idea. It’s patterns such as these that, left untreated, snowball to cause a disconnect in our relationships.

Basically, it all boils down to identifying seemingly small habits we have formed over the years that can deeply wound others, and ultimately, not make us feel very wonderful about ourselves. The goal is to mend our severed connections to the ones we’ve hurt by demonstrating our love through actions rather than words. This is accomplished through change of habits, evaluation of our approach, and practicing compassion.

So, where do we begin? Well, we can start by looking in the mirror. We’re probably already aware of a few…let’s call them nuances…of which we aren’t particularly fond. We all have them. They are the Yin to our Yang; the Jeckyll to our Hyde, or, as Dexter fondly refers to his, the “Dark Passenger.”  Maybe someone has brought up one of these nuances to you a time or two throughout your life. Perhaps it was even a few someones. Think…Be vulnerable enough to put yourself under a microscope. Try these on for size:

• Correcting their statements
• Giving unsolicited advice
• Questioning their judgment
• Making unrealistic demands
• Name calling
• Using a harsh tone
• Criticizing their performance
• Speaking in a condescending manner
• Expecting them to make you happy
• Therapizing
• Comparing them to someone else
• Failing to appreciate   

You get the idea…Did anything resonate with you? It could be behavior done to a friend, a co-worker, a spouse, a child, a parent, etc. We’re all guilty of something.

How the heck do we change a habit we have likely had since we were children? Surely these are ingrained in us from learned behavior, and likely modeled for us, right? Is it really possible to change? I don’t know about you, but if I suddenly discover terrible life patterns that I’ve had have been hurting those close to me, I’ll be damned if I let it continue. That’s motivation in itself. Not only that, but after some of those resonating deep within my soul, I felt rather disgusted and was driven to improve in order to be proud of the person I am.

Just like reprogramming a computer, brains can be trained to be rewired. It’s not going to be perfect at first. Just because we identify the problem, doesn’t mean we’ve solved it. It takes work. It takes practice. After all, we’re human; we think for ourselves, rationalize, dig our stubborn heels in and make it harder on ourselves every day. If only we could stop fighting ourselves, many of our problems would be much easier!

Change is possible if we want it. What is the saying…it takes 21 days to form a habit? The jury is still out on that, but the point is that it takes putting your plan into action and repeating that action on a regular basis. Here are some scientific ways to achieve change of habits.

Tips I’ve found helpful in my journey:

1. Don’t let yourself get overwhelmed; Pick one thing to work on at a time. Once you master that one, move on to the next.
2. Be patient with yourself. You will mess up. Then you will catch yourself mid-mistake. Then, eventually, you’ll have some success in between more failures before you really master the skill (I know…I’m still a novice at this).
3. Notice your triggers. Once you identify them, you’ll become more aware the next time, and hopefully be able to avoid a repeat performance.
4. Breathe. Anytime you are in a conversation that borders on heated, or someone does something to initiate your reflex, take a deep breath and wait a few seconds before responding.

Keep your goals in mind and don’t give up on yourself. You are worth it!

Loving yourself: Happiness in the Face of Adversity

Some days are harder than others to choose happiness. We might feel stuck, lonely, uncertain, or scared. We may even ache so hard that we feel like we’ve slammed into a brick wall with the inability to move. It’s tempting to allow circumstances to dictate our emotions. Trust me, I know.

Maybe a situation at work feels futile, a relationship hurdle seems hopeless, an illness leaves you feeling powerless, the loneliness seems the be creeping in, or it’s a string of one seemingly bad thing after another. Maybe a choice you made caused the mess to compound and you feel like you’re drowning under its weight. Don’t worry;  hope is around the corner–sometimes you just can’t see it yet.

Sure, it might appear to be easier to give in to the emotions, throw in the towel, stop trying, run away, hide, ignore or boycott the situation entirely, but does that solve the problem? Maybe we haven’t even identified the real issues at play because we surround ourselves with things to mask the underlying root of the problem because we’re too afraid to face it.  We mask the pain with social activities, television, music, alcohol or drugs, or even insert people into the equation to substitute healing. However, in the still, small silence of a Monday morning, lying in bed, waiting for the alarm to sound, we feel it. We know it’s there. So what do we do about it?

First, let yourself feel it. Get introspective: Read, research, pray, meditate, exercise, get a massage, and get to know your real self. Journaling can be therapeutic, and assist in the soul searching, especially if you process in circles like me. What are you deepest values? What is important to you? What are 10 things you like about yourself? How would friends describe you? Is there any truth to things you’ve heard over the years that you might need to work on? What are your goals and what is standing in your way? Still stuck? Sometimes even seeking the help of a professional can really draw out the answers we’ve been searching for.

Find your happy place. Maybe there is a passion for painting or playing guitar that went by the wayside. Whatever it is, pick it back up again. Or, develop a new hobby or interest. Maybe you used to feel better when you had a gym membership, played in a basketball league, or walked the dog daily. Countless studies note the benefits of exercise on the mind, body and soul.

Focus on the positive. Evaluate your situation and find something at least one positive to keep you going. It might be about yourself, your determination, a slim chance of success, or a hopeful thought that you will get through this. Surround yourself with positive people to assist you:

For me, I feed off the infectious energy of my friend who always keeps a smile on her face; you can even hear it in her voice. She successfully kicked cancer in the pants, so she obviously knows a thing or two about overcoming adversity. She was unhappy in her job, found a way to work for herself and quit within a few months. She travels, she cooks, she serves others, and she constantly inspires.

My husband is another source of inspiration. He is one of those people who is sickeningly good at everything he tries. Whether it’s playing music, cooking, flying planes, learning a new career skill. Anything. He’s just ridiculously talented. Whenever I feel my creativity slipping or need a swift kick in the right direction, he helps me see a design, my career, or whatever it is from a fresh perspective and helps me harness the confidence to proceed.

It’s easy to get absorbed in our own issues that we forget about the important people around us. Take a break. Get your mind off your own worries for a bit by helping others. Check in with a friend to see how they’re doing. Volunteer your time to a local charity. Bring some soup to a sick family member. Sometimes taking the focus off our problems puts things into perspective. Not only does it make their day, but it helps you to feel good, too!

Realize that there isn’t always an easy cure. Whether its surviving a loved one’s battle with Alzheimer’s, undergoing physical therapy to get stronger and play the sport you love, or having the courage to start your own business, it takes time, but the rewards are worth it. My husband and I always remind our son that good things come from working hard. Are you ready to put in the daily effort? Do you have a choice to make? Make it one that reflects your values, your character–one you can look back and be proud of.

Buckle up! Whatever you are facing, you can do this!

Flipping February: The Kindness Challenge

Ahh, February. For some, this flower-filled month incites romantic notions, inflated expectations or genuine gestures of love. For others, it’s a constant let down, panic of doing, saying or buying the right thing, or  a reminder of love lost or never obtained. Valentine’s Day is a Hallmark-inspired holiday that some boycott, manipulate, or lavishly indulge in, while the rest are left listening to sad songs over a pint of Ben & Jerry’s.

My floor mates and I definitely partook in the latter back in college. We were perpetual piners, wanting what we couldn’t or were too afraid to try to have. We would comb the shelves of Blockbuster and pick out a few sappy romantic comedies as we consumed countless calories in pizza, Dr. Pepper, chocolate and Twizzlers until our pants’ button nearly popped.

These days, I rarely give in to the loud, overcrowded restaurants dishing up pricy pre-prepared platters, the Kay Jewelers ads cheesily hinting that I deserve the latest love-inspired necklace, or….. It’s more about loving those I am fortunate enough to have in my life, and letting them know I care. Usually it involves buying fancy food from Central Market and cooking together at home, and sending my mom flowers.

I was recently asked to determine my deepest underlying core values. Such a thought provoking question didn’t beget an intelligent answer right away. What defined me? What did I stand for? What made me “me”?

After being in an unfulfilled, creative slump for some time, this January, I embarked on a quest to find my inner happy place. I began a lot of soul searching, reading, and dreaming. The further I delved, the stronger my grasp became that true happiness was a choice. The more I chose to pursue creative endeavors, surround myself with positive people, and inspiring scenarios, I began oozing creativity in every sense of the word. During this time, I started thinking about all the people around me, the lonely, the sad, the forgotten. I also thought about the people who truly mattered to me–who showed up during the darkest times and celebrated the successful ones. I started dreaming, creating and doing more instead of just talking about it. Then it hit me: My deepest values were based on being a loving, kind person and sharing the gift of creative inspiration with everyone around me.

Thinking about this reminded me of a nickname I coined for myself nearly ten Februaries ago during a time when several close friends and I all needed our spirits lifted. This was back when Myspace was all the rage, and they had given us the ability to change our user names at will. One day, I utilized this feature after I made the decision to adopt a fresh perspective on life and love and push past the hopeless feelings.  I dubbed myself “Ambassador of Good Cheer” and made it a point to check in on everyone, spreading joy and love through daily kindness and inspiration. I picked up creative writing again and wrote daily adventures for entertainment.

Bear with me here…I’m getting to a point.

What if this year, we flipped February flipped on its heart-shaped arse and gave it new meaning? What if, instead buying expensive gifts or wallowing in self-pity, we participated in random acts of kindness, showing love to our neighbors, friends, partners, children, parents, the check-out girl at Whole Foods, the landscapers, teachers, Starbucks baristas, gas station attendants and random strangers we passed on the street?

It could be a simple smile and hello, asking someone about their day, leaving a small note or silly gift for someone, freeing a family member of a chore they despise, checking up with a friend going through a rough time. Anything!

Here are a couple good places for ideas:

10-Day Happiness Challenge

Random Acts of Kindness

If you’re reading this, you’ve been hereby challenged. I’ll continue providing inspiration on love, happiness and kindness throughout the rest of the month & share my experiences. Send me your ideas or good experiences you’ve had throughout the month and I’ll share them, too.

Ready….go!